Refining

I have been trying to find a way to start his blog for a few days. Lately I have had such surges of emotion that I can't seem to grasp. I hate the way this makes me feel and I HATE hiding it. I don't like keeping things from anyone and I can't keep anything from Adam. Here are my main struggles.

I hate feeling away from Jesus. He seems so out of reach right now. I hate letting Him fall by the way side while I continue own my way.

I hate not being content. Lets cut to the chase. I want babies and I have wanted babies for awhile now. Basically since Pastor Joel said, you may now kiss your bride. Its just not our time and while I am trying to wait and live my life to the fullest and in His will, others are having my babies. It is really petty to not be fully happy for somoeone just because they are doing what you want to be doing.

I hate not loving my husband to the fullest. With this surge of emotion I have not been extra nice to Adam. He is so patient and kind, loving, and joyous, no matter what I may be behaving like.

I long to love and live to fullest. I long to serve Jesus with an open heart, mind and with all my strenth. I want to pursue him like I seem to pursue the world. Sometimes I wonder will I ever please Him? Do I make Him smile daily with my actions? One of my dearest friends ever, Amber (you can view her blog thru mine) lives in Texas. We have not seen each other since a sad night in August 4 years ago, when Adam and I left NC for SC and they left for TX. Adam and Jeremy were best friends in the Army and Amber, Jeremy's wife, welcomed me in with open arms. If you were at our wedding, the sang the duet. She amazes me, she always has. This is from her blog. It blew me away.

scripture:
Proverbs 21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

He said picture every word that you say being a seed and it's either a seed of death or a seed of life. It really made me think about what I say and if I am bringing life or death with my words. Andrew was saying that how can your words bring healing to someone if you say things you don't mean all of the time or that you don't believe all of the time.
Oh what seeds have I been planting and sowing. I don't know when to shut up and I have probably stuck my foot in my mouth today. Filling someone with doubt and worry instead of lifting them up.

Lord, I have so much to let you perfect. Please beging a work in me. Stop me from trying to fix myself. Take over my insecurities and shortcomings. I love you Lord.


PS If anyone knows of any small group Bible Studies I could plug into in the Greenville area, let me know.